When Susanne’s mom was diagnosed with dementia, Susanne faced the heart-breaking challenge of reconciling who her mom was now compared with how she used to be. As her caregiver, she felt at a loss, swinging between expecting too much from her mom and babying her.

Over time, Susanne learned how to “stay present” and adapt to her mom’s new needs with understanding and compassion. Today, she shares five tips for other caregivers struggling with the same.

My mom was a tough cookie. She was independent, feisty, proud, and a force to be reckoned with.

When she was diagnosed with dementia, I stepped in as her caregiver. In doing so, I pledged to join her in the battle against this horrific disease that could change our lives forever. 

In the back of my mind, somewhere, I believed Mom would win this battle. That she was different. She had always been stubborn, and I hoped that this life-long stubbornness would step in and save her now.

As unrealistic as that hope was, it had a lasting influence on me. I had great difficulty accepting the "new mom" that began to emerge as her disease progressed. “Old Mom" lingered like a ghost in my mind – and every space "New Mom” and I shared during her illness. 

Meeting my mom where she was in the present became a battle. One that I was losing badly. 

It led me to have expectations. Of my mom, myself, the things we did together, and everything in between. I’d expect too much of her – the things I’d expect of “Old Mom” – and then I'd feel guilty when she couldn't live up to those expectations.

I'd change tack and overcompensate, treating Mom as if she were incapable and helpless. Then she would feel insulted and babied and perhaps even more uncomfortable than when I expected too much. 

I wasn't letting her be herself. I was assuming who she was and what she was capable of. 

Finding the balance between expecting too much or too little from my mom required a lot of soul-searching and finesse. It demanded that I anchor myself in the present and focus on who my mom was now, not who she was in the past. 

Staying present still isn’t easy for me, but the concepts below offered me hope.

If you’re finding it difficult to reconcile who your parent is now with who they were before dementia, you’re not alone.

And if you’re struggling to find the balance between asking too much or too little of them, these tips may offer some support and comfort.

1. Let go of the “old version” of your loved one – focus on their present, not their past

I was used to my proud, bossy-pants mom leading us all around. So, when life became an obstacle course for her, and she began to struggle, I was devastated.

But I was also confused. A big part of me did not want to acknowledge or accept what was happening to her. While this was understandable and quite normal, allowing denial to take over could prove disastrous in the long term.

I needed to let go of the past so I could hold on to the present. I began to work on my grief, sense of loss, and denial. I sought help from a therapist, talked to my family, shared with other caregivers, and wrote about all my complicated feelings.

When my mom was willing to try, and I was willing to let her, we automatically started from a calmer place.

Most importantly, I gave myself and my mom some grace while we adjusted. Self-awareness and seeking support helped me ease into the present and stay there.

2. Adapt yourself to how they communicate now

When she was well, my mom never minced words or hesitated to tell the world exactly how she felt.

But as her ability to express herself faded, I realized I needed to pay attention to the new ways she communicated. Mom was still sharing her feelings with me, but now relied more on non-verbal signals to send the message. I just needed to look and listen in a different way.

I learned the importance of paying attention to these cues one Sunday at our annual church spaghetti dinner. I'd seated my parents with their friends and fetched them the smaller portions they’d requested of Father Anthony’s spaghetti and meatballs.

As I set their plates down, my mom suddenly got fidgety and began to look frightened and panicked. It had become too much for her. 

Calmly, I asked her if she wanted to go home. The relief in her eyes when she said “yes” confirmed everything I needed to know. Neither of us had expected the dinner to be overwhelming, but in that moment, it had been.

By observing instead of assuming, I'd quickly caught onto my mom's discomfort. I acted early enough to prevent her discomfort from escalating into panic. Being open and aware allowed me to save the day.

So, be on the lookout for shifts in body language, agitation, concern, or pain. And, just as importantly, look for signs of happiness and comfort, too!

Tune into small gestures to understand what your loved one is experiencing right in front of you. Let these cues guide you to understanding where they are in the present moment. Read the room. 

3. Include them

Whenever possible, make it a team effort and include your loved one in decisions and plans. Approach them with respect and dignity. Start by sharing your ideas first rather than diving in with demands.

Even when my mom had trouble understanding some situations, she could read my energy and attitude. She related to a patient and receptive me rather than a bossy, "my way or the highway" me. Asking her to do something rather than telling her to do something set the stage for her cooperation.

When my mom was willing to try, and I was willing to let her, we automatically started from a calmer place. When things got a bit hairy, cooperation allowed me to step in as a teammate instead of acting like a boss.

We are all in this together. 

4. Ask yourself, “Is my hypervigilance helpful or harmful?”

As a caregiver, I often find myself on high alert.

This constant vigilance isn't always conducive to pacing – for myself or my loved one. Without meaning to, I can rush us both along, missing the chance to check in and see how we're holding up.

Finding the balance between expecting too much or too little from my mom required a lot of soul-searching and finesse

Life doesn't have to be a roller coaster. We don't have to do everything all at once. We can prioritize by asking ourselves: "What's truly urgent? What can wait?"

Even urgency can be met with calm and efficiency. Once we've addressed the most pressing issue, we can take a breather before regrouping and moving forward. Breaking tasks into smaller steps, taking regular breaks, and stepping back to reflect on our actions are all effective ways to set a pace that we can stick to in the long term.

Remember, grace is in the pace. 

5. Let go of any agendas or “target results”

Try to relax, let go of the results, and be kind to both of you. Adjusting to change on a large scale with so much at stake can blow things out of proportion. We can get derailed when things don't go as we expect or when minor issues arise. Every problem is a huge problem when we take everything seriously or insist on keeping score.

"How important is it?" became a mantra that helped me keep my perspective about most things.

Of course, there will always be circumstances that need swift resolution. Generally, though, most things can take their time and aren't life-threatening. Not everything needs to be pretty or perfect. I was much more supportive when I tried to let things happen and unfold naturally. 

The takeaway

Following these guidelines helped me stay grounded in the present.

My mom and I were at our happiest and healthiest when I could meet her where she was in the present without drawing from my memories of who she was in the past. When I embraced the version of her who was waiting to be loved and honored in the now, life slowed down. I could finally find the mental space to appreciate the time we had together and how precious it was.

I'd placed so many expectations on both of us. But when I managed to let them go, I was free to shower my mom with love and see it reflected back to me. When that became my priority, I, more often than not, found the balance, patience, and clarity to do what was right.

We weren't perfect. Sometimes, things still got sloppy. But love has a remarkable way of sticking around, even in silence.

We just need to show up and let this love work its magic. That's how we get it right.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01578 JUNE 2025