Angry or aggressive behavior in people with dementia often comes from pain, frustration, or confusion 01. Family caregivers may face hostility even when they are trying their best. And, with so many responsibilities and limited support, tired caregivers may struggle to stay patient and become reactive.

Susanne White, who has a lot of experience caring for someone with a short temper, knows this challenge well. Today, she shares seven tips to help caregivers stay calm when their loved one lashes out.

I grew up with a mom who had a temper. She was quick to anger and could simmer with it for days. I learned to keep the peace, keep my head down, and "keep movin’,” as my dad would say.

This instilled two things in me that followed me into adulthood:

1. I would stifle my anger and then explode when it all became too much.
2. I ran for the hills whenever anyone else got angry because it triggered old, scary feelings.

These two traits were never good for me. But when my mom got diagnosed with dementia, and I stepped up to care for her, they became real problems.

Anger and aggressiveness can be symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. They may have many causes, including physical discomfort, overstimulation (which triggers fear and anxiety), confusion, and cognitive decline.

Letting go of past traumas can be essential for caregivers of parents with dementia

I know that Mom’s aggressiveness wasn’t her fault and was mostly to do with the dementia. But our difficult relationship during my childhood made it hard to believe that history wasn’t repeating itself. 

Aggressive behavior can be tough to deal with, even if you love a person deeply. And if you also harbor childhood trauma around anger and aggression, it creates a genuine dilemma.

I was already worried about caregiving for my mom. But, as the dementia made her more disoriented and agitated, her anger intensified. I dreaded her behavior and episodes of rage.

It became clear that I had to insulate myself from being re-traumatized. If I was triggered, I needed a quick resolution. I reached out during my therapy sessions and to other family caregivers. I started to research techniques that could help soften the blow.

Through trial and error, I came up with a few strategies. They take practice, persistence, and patience, but they can be very effective for calming an angry or agitated parent with dementia.

7 tips for caregivers when loved ones with dementia become angry

1. Don't take their aggression personally

Remembering that anger and aggression isn’t personal is so important for caregivers of dementia patients – especially family caregivers, when a loved one’s sudden volatility can feel rather personal.

The people we care for are most likely angry at something that has nothing to do with us. Fear, pain, frustration, physical ailments, and disorientation can all trigger anger.

When dealing with a parent with dementia who’s angry or rageful, caregivers need to keep calm and not let the conversation descend into a slanging match of old hurts.

My first strategy was to keep myself firmly in the present. Though my mom's anger made me feel like I was six years old again, I kept grounded on what was happening right then, not in the past. I was safe and able to take care of myself. Most of the time, my mom's temper had nothing to do with me or anything I was doing.

Although this is relatively easy to understand in your head, it is hard to feel in your heart. Chanting, "I am safe, and I'm a good person," helped center me when my mom's behavior felt threatening.

Accepting that she was angry at life and her situation, not me as her daughter or caregiver, made a big difference.

2. Look at the anger empathetically

I remember one of the days I found a new level of empathy for my mom.

I found her standing at the refrigerator door, pointing to the large appointment calendar I kept for easy reference. Things such as doctor’s appointments were boldly written on with magic markers.

She turned to me and asked desperately what this was and what it meant. She had a look of such childlike fear and confusion on her face that my heart broke. Something so familiar and mundane was now wholly incomprehensible to her.

This loss of control would be devastating for someone like my mom. Empathy made me realize that my mom had probably felt anxious and afraid for much of her life. Her anger was a coping mechanism to control her world and help her feel safe. It wasn't about me and probably never was.

This realization made her anger feel less dangerous. Looking at the situation empathetically when Mom lashed out would help me be more understanding in the future.

3. Find the message behind the emotion

Practice reading between the lines with loved ones who have dementia. Anger or aggression often hides fear, confusion, or frustration due to their struggle to express themselves. Instead of getting defensive, pause to understand the underlying feelings.

If you think your loved one is angry for reasons that dementia blocks them from expressing, ask simple yes-or-no questions that are easy to understand without being patronizing.

• Are you in pain? / Is something hurting you? Where?
• Are you hungry?
• Would you like a drink?
• Would you like to talk?
• Would you like to do something together?
• Would you like some quiet?

Be calm when speaking, and don’t jump in on their replies unless they want you to. If talking isn't working, gently touch their hand or arm to reassure them.

Finally, ensure that your tone and facial expressions are consistent with your words. Dementia patients can be sensitive to body language cues. Make sure you face your loved one when speaking and remember that while your words may be neutral or kind, a frown or look of frustration is what your loved one will pick up on.

4. Leave your sparring gloves at home 

Even if we know that the anger or aggression isn’t the fault of our loved ones, dealing with it for hours will test even the most loving and easygoing among us. Choosing not to react takes guts, practice, and grit. Being rested, centered, and well-balanced gives us the edge we need to pull this off.

You’ve probably heard that we caregivers need to prioritize our well-being. By refusing to get pulled into an argument, we're protecting ourselves and able to assess the challenge with more logic and empathy.

If we stay calm, we can see that most of this aggressive behavior is happening near us, not to us. Observing, instead of reacting, prevents us from diving into conflict and diffuses the anger. We don't have to join every fight that someone baits us into!

5. Avoid potential triggers

Insisting they're wrong

My mom always needed to be "right" when I was a child, and it was a trait she passed on to me. As a result, arguments could get heated very quickly, with both of us refusing to back down.

But arguing with someone with dementia only escalates their agitation. Ask yourself: does it matter if they're wrong? Will it matter long term? Probably not.

Controversial topics

No one agrees on everything. Whether your loved one has expressed a new opinion you disagree with or an old disagreement has re-emerged, now isn't the time to start a debate.

Steer clear of debates on politics, religion, or other potentially divisive subjects. Save these discussions for those who can engage rationally.

Trying to make them remember something

It can be devastating when a parent with dementia forgets who you are. But while it’s horribly distressing for you, it can also cause agitation for your parent.

Avoid quizzing them or pleading for recognition. Instead, calmly reintroduce yourself and if they don’t remember, let it go. Remember that while it’s hurtful, it's also not personal.

6. Take a break

When all else fails, it may be time to turn around, walk away, and take a break.

I call this "detaching with love." Sometimes, it can be the best plan of action. We may be caregivers, but we’re friends and/or family, too, and we can see things more clearly when we regroup, reset, and calm down.

Detaching stops us from engaging in the anger dance with someone and gives us a chance to breathe. It breaks the cycle. If you can't physically leave the area, leave the conversation. Changing the subject is always an excellent way to calm things down.

7. Be accepting and remain gentle

Whatever we do, we must find a way to be soft and gentle - both to those we love and ourselves. While reactive anger is natural when feeling pushed to the limit, navigating your loved one’s anger and your own is part of being a caregiver. Each time, we work at getting through the storm faster and with less damage.

We caregivers are doing the best we can. We might learn something about our loved ones and ourselves with kindness, compassion, and balance. We can improve our relationship and avoid more outbursts in the future.

The takeaway

By allowing our loved ones to be heard and accepted, we can help them work through their feelings while managing our own. As I got better at managing my anger and shrugging off my mom's mood swings, she became angry less often. When Mom did get mad, I used her aggression to help me decipher the underlying issue. Her anger lost its strong effect on me.

It still shook me up, but I didn't hold on to the discomfort for as long, and I wasn't as frightened of it or her. It became more of a mood that I could shift and lighten with patience and compassion. I learned to make us both feel safer, which was a blessing.

Know that you are not alone in struggling with a loved one's frustration and anger. Try one or all of these strategies; I promise things will improve between you. I wish you joy and serenity.

Sources

1. Back to contents.

   Healthline, 2024. Can Dementia Cause ‘Mean’ Behavior? [Online] Available at: https://www.healthline.com/health/dementia/dementia-and-being-mean-to-family [Accessed 19 March 2025]  

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01574 JUNE 2025