What do you do when your brain no longer feels like home? Sarah Merritt Ryan shares her experiences across three episodes of psychosis, and the emotional journey that followed. Now in remission from schizophrenia, she reflects on how love, self-trust, and connection helped her reclaim her life and identity.

I was a “thinker” more than a “feeler” until I began my recovery journey from schizophrenia.

I have been in remission for 13 years and counting. The most notable years of my illness, though, were my three psychotic breaks in two years, when I was 32 and 33.

I had been an academic. Research and getting published seemed validating, and my topic was something I found truly interesting. But my heart wasn't totally into it, and I knew it.

Right before starting my PhD, I had my first full-blown psychotic break. I recovered cognitively from that break during my first year of the program. I succeeded, but that year felt like pushing a boulder uphill. I decided to leave that program after a year for multiple reasons.

Two months later, I had my next psychotic break. The third break followed soon after the second.

I'd always been focused on good grades and was someone who could get by on my intelligence most of the time. But after this third break, when I hit rock bottom, I acknowledged that the trust and confidence I'd always had in my mind was gone.

I felt like a large part of “me” had gone missing

I was significantly cognitively impaired. There was no guarantee that my cognition would fully recover, or, for that matter, even be able to work again.

That's when I was forced to dig deeper, figure out what my heart felt, and allow my heart to lead me instead.

It was during this time that my heart had to grow. I couldn't always represent who I truly was to others during my recovery, being cognitively impaired. So, I had to focus on loving myself and cultivating love within. I worked on expressing my feelings to others to show them where I was coming from.

“Choosing to love is something no one can take away from you, even in the case of psychosis. Love comes from your heart.”

When I struggled with wanting to live, I started making decisions with my heart instead of my head. I needed to explore my feelings so I could feel that living the rest of my life would matter.

Now that I have full cognition back, I'm using it to educate others about psychotic disorders. I also support and advocate for people like me who have these conditions.

What goes on in our brains doesn’t always reflect who we are or what we want

A psychotic break is simply a brain malfunction, one of several body organs that can fail you and call for an emergency response. However, the brain feels more inherently personal. It's not unusual to view our brain as the home hub for our character, personality, and spirituality.

You're so much more than your brain, though, even if science can't totally explain it. Even in a psychotic break, you're still you. And when you're in recovery and struggling with cognitive impairment, you're still completely you.

Previously, I would rationalize, analyze, and think my way through things. But, after my breaks, when I was cognitively impaired, I felt like my brain had betrayed me – like I couldn't trust it again.

So, my heart had to come to the rescue to help me navigate life and make sense of things. Both the brain and heart function like muscles. My heart had to take over, get stronger, and grow as my brain repaired.

Choosing my heart over my head

After multiple psychotic breaks, I was scared that I'd lose my true self. That the emotional devastation, trauma, and feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness would wipe away who I was from the inside.

After my third break, I was worried that nothing was left inside of me – but there was. There was also fear that I could never be the same person as before my illness, which, of course, seemed like a bad thing. However, I came out for the better in the end.

I would meditate, read self-help books, and focus on cultivating and maintaining high-quality relationships with others. My good friends acted as a mirror, reflecting back to me that I was still alive inside. They showed me that others accept me and still want to be my friends. It was important to me that others could still see the real me when I interacted with them.

Defining "who I really am" took soul-searching to the nth degree. I had to dig deep to understand who I truly was, regardless of my mind, and what parts of me I could rely on.

But, even if I wasn't 100% myself yet after my breaks, I knew I always had the same heart. I was routinely making sure that my heart was in the right place. I had to feel my way through this "new normal" to choose the right path for me.

I sensed that the previous decade of my life wasn't a complete waste if I could make it mean something.

Heart-led choices guided me through uncertainty

To me, the best path in life is forged by letting your heart speak and inform your decision.

Paying too much attention to every fleeting emotion can be a slippery slope. But if you take time to reflect on what your heart is saying, you may uncover what truly matters to you.

Decisions based on the heart often rely on taking one step at a time, where the destination isn't necessarily clear. I fought so hard to choose life and keep going, so I wanted to make it all count.

“My heart had to come to the rescue to help me navigate life and make sense of things.”

A big choice for me was whether to let go of academia. I realized that, personally, academia wouldn't make me as happy anymore. And perhaps it also wasn't the best work environment for someone like me, who'd had an impaired stress threshold since my breaks.

I had a hard time letting go of my ego in pursuing a doctorate, but now I get published through other outlets. Instead of my former dissertation topic, my new topic is emotional recovery from psychosis.

I enjoy writing and speaking about this topic more because I know it makes a real difference in people's lives. All this comes naturally for me, where I'm 100% sure this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Reconnecting with my heart was key to reclaiming my identity

I'm a better person today because I let my heart have a say in my destiny. I now have a career that suits me better, where I'm confident I'm making the most difference I can, and I enjoy it more.

My heart needed a tune-up and a good workout regimen, where I could best figure out my personal truth and how to live it. My heart's growth helped steer me during recovery and enabled me to accept and love myself, separate from my accomplishments.

Choosing to love is something no one can take away from you, even in the case of psychosis. Love comes from your heart.

I'm now a thinker AND a feeler, and I have grown as a human being as a result of my lived experience with schizophrenia.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01641 OCTOBER 2025