If you live with schizophrenia and have experienced psychotic episodes, it's hard not to wonder what your life may have been like without them. At least, that's how Sarah Merritt Ryan feels when she thinks back on her past.

If you've had one or more psychotic breaks, it’s almost impossible not to consider what would have or could have happened in your life had you not developed a psychotic disorder. I've felt like I've lost years and opportunities, and that left me with feelings of regret and frustration.

What if I had never gone off my medication? If I had never gone off my medication on my own, that would've eliminated two major psychotic breaks.

What if, for my other break, I had insisted on staying on my medication, even though my psychiatrist at the time thought I didn’t need it?

The ultimate question is: If these breaks never happened, would I be a different person today, and would my life have been better?

I've reached the other side of cognitive and emotional recovery and now know how a significant portion of my life has played out for me. After over a decade of reflection in hindsight of my illness, I can offer my answers to these what-if questions, positively and confidently.

Easier does not mean better

If I'd never had psychotic breaks, it’s tempting to think that my life would've automatically been better. If I hadn’t essentially lost my twenties, I would've built a career with much higher savings than I have, probably would've married earlier, and become a mother earlier.

However, I believe that my life is better because it wasn’t easy.

Sometimes, the harder and more unlikely an outcome is for you, the more you will appreciate achieving it and never take it for granted. For me, after my third psychotic break in two years, I was sure getting married and becoming a mother was not in the cards for me.

I never lost sight of that dream, though, but so many things had to fall in place for that to be achievable.

In the end, it did happen for me, and no one appreciates family life more than I do.

Had my dreams come more easily and sooner for me, I wouldn’t have married the wonderful man I did or given birth to the precious son I have.

Sometimes, a harder life pushes you to be a bigger person than you would have been, had things come easily for you. Pain and adversity can challenge some people to dig deeper and become more compassionate and grounded.

My level of personal pain and suffering has led me to create a body of work related to emotional recovery from psychosis.

Challenges and trials add authenticity to your life and help shape a unique life story. It’s easy for me to say this now, being on the other side of things, but I wish I could have had that perspective when I was in the throes of early recovery from psychosis.

I’m now proud that I live a life defined by resilience and overcoming setbacks.

Life starting later has its perks

I know how hard it is to watch everyone you know (or so it seems) build their careers, get married, and have kids, when your life seems to have reached a standstill. I know what it feels like to think you've been left behind by your peers.

However, hindsight has shown me that there's no uniform formula for success. It may look different to everybody, and no one achieves it in the same way. As a young person, I definitely had an oversimplified view of what success looks like and that everyone achieves it in the same way, at the same age.

Life is so much more complex and unpredictable than that, though. Most people’s lives change many times in unexpected ways. We tend to epitomize psychotic disorders as the worst thing that can happen. But everyone faces challenges, including serious challenges you yourself will never have to face.

Starting later can have advantages, and you can’t assume that if everything had happened for you earlier, it would've been better.

I gave birth to my only child at age 40, and while I was much older when giving birth than I ever thought I would be, I know I'm a better mother than I would've been when I was younger. I know who I am now, and I'm more mature and wise than I used to be.

I think I'm a much better spouse and friend, too, with so many more life experiences and lessons informing my relationships.

Missed opportunities pave the way for new ones

I had established my dissertation topic for my PhD program. I thought I was going to be an academic – teaching and publishing papers for a living. I had presented many papers at national and international conferences and published two scholarly papers after my first year of PhD work.

That whole direction and what I thought my life was going to be vanished when I left the program abruptly and then had my second full-blown psychotic break.

I was devastated. I thought all that hard work put into my CV went to waste. I knew I needed to find a different career, especially since I was cognitively impaired.

First, however, I needed to establish if I could ever work again.

Well, today, I publish and present, but in a totally different way. I now publish articles, blog posts, books, poems, and more on the topic of psychotic disorders. Had I not left academic research behind, I would never have learned that I'm a creative writer, too.

In fact, had I never been through such adversity and pain, I truly believe I wouldn’t have so much to say and communicate to others now. I believe what I write now impacts more lives than my dissertation topic, no matter how important it was. My trials and recovery from them help shape and build meaning and purpose in my life.

I recently signed a contract to publish 55 poems, mostly sonnets, called “My Soul to Keep.”

I’ve been writing these sonnets for the past 22 years on the topic of suffering, and this is my first book-length work that will be published.

I could never have guessed that I would publish a book of poems. I probably wouldn’t have, had I still been focused on my academic research.

Life will always be full of surprises

I would never have guessed I would publish a book of poetry, become a tennis player, actually learn to cook, and so much more. There are so many things that I, specifically, thought I couldn’t do - but now I specifically do those things in a way that seems ironic.

So ultimately, what makes life exciting is that you never know what's around the corner.

You will never stop learning new things about yourself at any age. There’s also no way to tell whether your life's "over" or whether it would've or should have been better.

You can’t compare your life with something that never happened, where you're only guessing what the alternative would've been. You may have some doors closed on opportunities in your life, but I can guarantee other doors will open.

Your future's worth fighting for, even if it feels delayed at first.

So, it’s natural to look back and ask the question “what-if…?”. But don’t dwell on it for too long. The rest of your life and its possibilities are waiting for you.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor’s websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01698 JANUARY 2026